A Mental Health Professional Outlines the Leading Habits that Pose risks to a Matrimonial Union
Relationships necessitate attention and care to thrive. When they're neglected, the consequences are clear. They thrive on love, intention, and support, but can wither away with disregard.
A study published in Evolutionary Psychology in 2022 discovered six primary actions that can lead to divorce, including deeply hurtful acts like infidelity and abusive behavior, and a lack of effort to keep the relationship alive. However, the study highlighted three behaviors in particular as the most damaging.
Here are the top three behaviors that can severely harm a relationship, as per the study:
1. When A Partner Is Uninterested
Participants in the study believed that the most destructive behavior in a relationship is apathy. This includes neglect, indifference, and emotional detachment, such as:
- Ignoring a partner's feelings or the relationship.
- Failing to spend quality time together.
- Overlooking a partner's needs, preferences, or opinions.
- Taking the partner for granted and failing to express appreciation.
- Avoiding emotional or physical intimacy.
When a partner feels unappreciated or overlooked, it can lead to intense feelings of loneliness and resentment. A study in the Journal of Divorce & Remarriage involving divorcing parents in the U.S. supports this, revealing that a lack of attention from a spouse is a common reason for divorce.
Neglect also signals a diminished commitment to the relationship, forcing the affected partner to question their worth and the future of the marriage. In contrast, when a partner is seen as caring, responsive, and attentive, it can significantly boost relationship satisfaction.
2. When A Partner Treats Your Children Poorly
Another damaging behavior is when a partner mistreats shared children or neglects their parental responsibilities. This can include:
- Neglecting to spend time with the children.
- Displaying inappropriate or abusive parental behavior.
- Undermining the other parent's authority or decisions.
From an evolutionary perspective, children's well-being is paramount, and is one of the primary reasons why partners choose to be together. Consequently, researchers found that participants would seriously consider ending a relationship if their partner displayed harmful behaviors toward their children.
Behavior that suggests a reduced commitment to the relationship and a reduced capacity to reliably provide for one's partner and children can have a negative impact, triggering negative emotions like anger and disappointment.
Loving parents instinctively prioritize their children's safety, health, and happiness, so a partner's failure to do the same can create irreparable divisions. In contrast, showing a unified front as co-parents and actively engaging in their children's lives can create a supportive family environment that can strengthen the marital bond.
3. When A Partner Is Overbearing
Overbearing behaviors, such as controlling a partner, restricting their freedom, or manipulating them, rank as the third most toxic action in a marriage. Research shows that when a partner is perceived as controlling and neglectful, it is associated with lower relationship satisfaction.
Specific instances of such behavior include:
- Continuously criticizing or blaming a partner.
- Isolating a partner from friends, family, or beloved hobbies and interests.
- Exhibiting excessive jealousy.
- Pressuring a partner to make decisions prematurely.
Control affects a person's sense of autonomy, a fundamental human need. A 2016 study published in the Journal of Family Therapy found that when this need is not met, it is significantly associated with relationship dissatisfaction and heightened conflict.
Controlling behaviors not only harm the partner's well-being but also undermine the mutual respect necessary for a healthy relationship. Over time, such behavior can exacerbate resentment, low self-esteem, and a desire to leave the relationship for the partner on the receiving end.
Recognizing and addressing such harmful patterns can potentially pave the way for deeper intimacy and respect. Small, consistent acts of care—whether it's sharing moments of gratitude, aligning on parenting approaches, or encouraging individual autonomy—can rejuvenate a struggling relationship.
However, it's also important to recognize when your partner isn't willing to put in the inner work to truly change, and make the decision to prioritize your safety and well-being, and that of your children, if any.
At the end of the day, most partners are looking for feeling valued, loved, and deeply supported in intimate relationships. This is the lifeblood of a long-term relationship, whereas neglect and controlling behavior can only contribute to decay. For their own good, partners in any relationship must make the commitment to grow—whether that's together, or apart.
Did you feel controlled in your relationship? Take this science-backed test to learn more: Relationship Control Scale.
- Despite the study's findings on the destructive nature of neglect in a relationship, some individuals might find themselves in a toxic marriage, characterized by a controlling partner who consistently overlooks their needs and feelings.
- The emotional toll of a controlling partner's behavior can be profound, leading to feelings of low self-esteem and intensity of resentment, potentially harming not only the married couple but also their children, who may witness such harmful dynamics.
- A lack of caring and attentiveness not only in a partner but also towards shared children can signal a reduced commitment, leading to negative emotions like anger and disappointment, potentially driving a wedge between partners and impairing the family environment.
- Mark Travers, a relationship expert, emphasizes that when a partner exhibits signs of controlling behavior, such as excessive jealousy or manipulation, it may be an indication of lower relationship satisfaction, impacting the couple's overall well-being and paving the way for an eventual divorce.
- Ultimately, prioritizing the safety, well-being, and support of oneself and one's children should be a primary concern in a relationship, and if negotiation and change attempts fail, it may be necessary to consider divorce as an option to escape a toxic marriage and seek renewal and growth outside of it.
